It’s my birthday today

I’m 44 or so they say

A day of celebration and joy

But I feel like an immature boy

 

I open my eyes as I wake up in bed

A blanket of darkness covers my head

The spark of my life, oh where do you hide

You have left me naked and bitter inside

 

Anger, sadness, confusion and pain

Anxiety, madness, guilt and shame

My body is frozen riddled with fear

Mind wants to run away from here

 

I was raised to be strong

I was raised to be tough

But as I lie here

I am riddled with fear

 

Society taught me to avoid any pain

And to never accept the feeling of shame

I was taught it was wrong to feel deep unrest

And told I was weird for opening my chest

 

Now I feel so alone

I turn off the phone

To talk is too painful

I feel so unstable

 

I can’t go to work

My boss is a jerk

The staff are jerks too

They haven’t a clue

 

My dad says grow up

I then just close up

My body in rage

Feeling locked in a cage

 

I just want to scream

You know what I mean

But hey that would be wrong

Or at least that’s my song

 

So I keep it inside

And I continue to hide

I will just wear a mask

It feels better not to ask

 

Feeling too weak to speak

They’ll think I’m a freak

I’ll go with the tide

Contemplate suicide

 

My world torn apart

And so is my heart

With no will to live

I have nothing to give

 

A life with nothing to gain

Depression and a mountain of pain

I fight with my mind which brings some relief

And then I fall deeper into an ocean of grief

 

Oh I forgot to mention

Mostly I just distract my attention

And I’ve tried running away

Coz it’s so hard to stay

 

The pain is so deep

And now I just weep

Believing its wrong

Society’s song

 

But wait this is not right

Avoiding the pain keeps me up every night

Constantly pushing the pain away

Stuck in aguish and shame every day

 

What if for once I was quiet and still

Instead of reaching out for a fix or a pill

What if I simply observed the pain

Like sitting in my chair and watching the rain

 

What if I surrendered and asked for support

Instead of rushing to the gym to play sport

What if I finally saw pain as a blessing

Instead of covering my wounds with a dressing

 

What if I saw the pain as a friend

Instead of fighting with mind to the end

What if the pain was an act of grace

And I brought the wounded child into this space

 

What if I forgave the wounds from the past

Surely then the pain could not last

What if I brought my pain into the open

And realised that I’m not really broken

 

What if I found some men just like me

Who wanted to share so they could be free

Men who want to live a deep and true life

Instead of squandering in darkness and strife

 

What if I turned this story on its head

And reclaimed my power before I am dead

Reached out to life and went for a swim

And for once stop playing the victim

 

What if I finally stepped over the threshold

A leap of faith, a chance to be bold

What if I shared my story with another

Instead of believing the one given by mother

 

I’m not saying it’s easy

And it might make you queezy

But the story inside you

Are concepts not true

 

For you are more than the story within

For inside of you is a king built in

Drop down from the head and into the chest

Stay deep in the heart for this is the best

 

Give thanks for the tears, the anger, the rage

Say yes to life, turn over the page

It’s time to be brave, it’s time to be strong

You’ll be back in the game before it’s too long

 

You are not alone, there are men just like you

Who’ve fought with their mind and got stuck in the glue

So sit in silence and learn to just watch

Learn to reach out, no need for the scotch

 

The darkness is but a reflection of light

So surrender to life, no need for a fight

For life is a gift and pain is a friend

If you can grasp this, there’ll be no regrets in the end